The Cauldron

Early in the semester, I approached The Cauldron's sports editor, Robert Ivory, and made to him a solemn vow - come hell or high water, by the end of the semester, I was going to reach across the isle, and write a column for the sports section.

Ivory, in his affable manner, laughed it off with an "okay man, sure."

His dismissal is understandable - why would the snarky guy who prides himself on his obtuse sentences regaling the respective glories of indie rock and video games, the self-appointed wordsmith of wit, wherewithal, and waxworks - what could the office geek possibly have to say about sports?

Plenty, as it turns out. Not all of it sarcastic.

See today, I want to speak to my fellow nerds; to the guys who never understood why winning the chess club tournament didn't impress the ladies, to the girls who didn't get why their friends made fun of them for relating tales of high fantasy adventure - after all, hadn't you agreed to go shopping and everything?

High school sows the seeds if distrust between scholarly and athletic types - never mind how many people fit into both, or neither category, the archetypes of adolescence demand sacrifice, and historically, both sides have been only too happy to oblige.

But then a funny thing happened.

Movies called Spiderman, Lord of the Rings, and Watchmen made millions of dollars. Video games became a household thing - from Halo fraternities, to Granny- Strike, to the Wii in the White House. Hell, the only thing Vin Diesel is more passionate about than weightlifting is Dungeons and Dragons, for crying out loud! From where I stand, mainstream culture has been embracing geek culture for some time now.

It's time to return the favor.

Let's start with basketball. The CSU men's team just had a dominating run, straddling the roundball battlefield like a steel colossus, and, for students like us, catching the Vikings live is 100 percent free. Basketball is a good starting point as well - there's drama, violence, action, geometry, a delightfully byzantine salary cap, which provides no shortage of intrigues both political and economic.

Really, everything you would want from a comic book. Except (since the unfortunate retiring of Dennis Rodman) no demons or aliens.

I know, I know. Television would have you believe that basketball is all swagger and slam dunks, a macho cock-waving contest of who can be more arrogant. But we're geeks. We're smarter than that. If you're going to watch basketball, think about inertia, bodies in motion, interleaving - in other words, don't watch the ball, so much as the other nine guys on the court. And I know that video games have evolved way beyond the arcade bragging rights of yore, but watching the Phoenix Suns rack up 160 points in 48 minutes can't help but appeal to the high score gene which lies dormant in every gamer. (No word on whether or not the NBA plans to allow three-initial signatures for such milestones in the future).

And that's just one aspect, one sport in the cornucopia of options that make up modern athletics. I know it might seem weird and overbearing, but don't we all deserve to do awesome things and have fun? I for one, think so. So ease in - maybe check out statistical analysis online, or join a fantasy league. Nobody said this was going to happen overnight. But if nothing else, we can take satisfaction in 'ruining' competitive sports the same way that these guys spoiled first-person-shooters for us.

I'm probably kidding.

Either way, lads and lasses - the time has come to step up our respective games. See you in the bleachers - I'll be the guy with the laptop.

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