The Cauldron

Issue date: 5/4/09 Section: Arts & Entertainment

Hey there cats and kittens, the end of the semester is upon us once again. "Alas," you may think to yourself, always one to wax dramatic - "soon it shall be summer, and I shall meander aimlessly, adrift in a sea of mysterious media.

If only the year-end awards would occur at the end of each semester, then mayhaps I could yet see another dawn.

First of all: calm down.

Secondly, far be it from us to allow such melancholic prose to go unheeded - take our metaphorical hand, and we will draw you up above the metaphorical waves.

Metaphorically. What does that translate to, for those of us who dwell not in lands of thoughtmagination, but in the real world? (where people who make up words like "thoughtmagination" are subjected to unmitigated ridicule) Well my friends, this can only mean one thing:

It's time for the Midgard Awards: Spring Edition.

For those unfamiliar with what precisely the hell that means, it's quite simple - we recognize the best media for what it is that makes it stand out, and offer up our top choice for the medium.

Obviously, opinions will differ, and we encourage you to send your hatemail constructive criticism to us at cauldroneditors@ hotmail.com.

Well then - tongue planted as firmly in cheek as we can get it to go, The Cauldron is proud to present the second Midgard Awards - the very best from this Viking Planet.

Television

Best show that was canceled anyway: Pushing Daisies

What's up network TV? God forbid you do anything interesting for an extended period of time. You had us worried - Pushing Daisies had a cool premise, and a refreshing artistic style. Pundits like myself were worried that maybe, just maybe, there was some hope for you. Thanks for reinforcing our pessimistic viewpoint.

Honorable mentions: Life on Mars, Boston Legal, Prison Break, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.

Show that most deserved to be canceled: Mind of Mencia

Do I even need to explain myself ? Even if poorly-thoughtout racial stereotype humor is your thing, just go hang out at a truck stop or something. Possibly related news: upon the canceling of Mind of Mencia, the average IQ in the United States raised by an average of four points. Coincidence?

(Dis)honorable mentions: Guiding Light, Frank TV.

And the Midgard Award for the best thing about TV goes to... Hulu

Yes, you heard right. (Assuming the article is being read aloud to you.) The best thing to happen to TV was getting it off of your TV, and on your computer, to view on your terms. Looks like the revolution will be televised after all.

Honorable mentions: The Daily Show, Fighting about whether Lost is good or not, Hitting said TV with a baseball bat.

Film

Best movie you probably didn't see: Gomorrah

How does one make a Ganster/Mob movie with five interconnected stories, no emerging heroic character, and an overall feeling of crushing helplessness and despair? Oh, and make it thoroughly engrossing from start to finish? Perhaps you shoot it in Italy, in a neighborhood where you can only shoot for a few hours in the morning before "crack made the people aggressive"? Whatever the formula, director Matteo Garrone's take on the culture of Italy's Camorra crime family holds you firmly in its grip, impossible to ignore. Kind of like the Camorra themselves.

Honorable mentions: Tulpan, Il Devo, Revanche, and honestly we could just type a bunch of non-english words here, and most people wouldn't notice any difference.

Best movie that people actually might have seen: The Curious case of Benjamin Button

David Fincher makes a commercial film. He ought to do this kind of thing more often. That is all.

Honorable mentions: Adventureland, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.

And the Midgard Award for the best reason to spend hours in the dark goes to ... Watchmen

A polarizing film with more mainstream critics, we at The Cauldron were pretty effectively bowled over by the film. Sure, it tarnishes the canon of the source material. Sure, it dulls some of the edge. Sure, some of the wirefu feels artificially inserted. But at the end of the day, Watchmen was the kind of film where we left the theater smiling, and couldn't shut up about the film for days. There were more important films, grander in artistic scope and whatnot - but given a chance to see any of our winners again, the staff agrees: We'd watch the Watchmen.

Honorable mentions: Coraline, Gran Torino, Sugar.

Dishonorable mentions: Twilight, Dragonball: Evolution, Twilight, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, Twilight, and also Twilight.

Video Games

Best game that had no right to be as good as it was: The Oregon Trail (iPhone)

It's been what, 20 years since kids were first playing this game in the classroom? But Gameloft's labor-of-love remake of the title that launched the edutainment genre is even more enjoyable than we remembered.

The gameplay additions and adorable graphics probably don't hurt. The only real problem is that it starts out too easy - getting to Oregon should make you swear, and curse the gods, but you've got to beat the game once to unlock any real difficulty. Once that's done, you'll be dying of dysentery with the best of them!

Honorable Mentions: Ceville (PC), Puzzle Quest: Galactrix (Most), Crayon Physics Deluxe (PC), Rhythm Heaven (DS), Retro Game Challenge (DS)

Best game that was offensive as all hell, and just as fun: Resident Evil 5 (PS3, X360)

RE5 is racist. RE5 is not racist. This one will probably go on for a while, until people realize that Zombie movies are full of bad stereotypes, and Capcom's games are equally full of bad stereotypes, so any crossroads of the two was bound to offend on this level eventually. Still, Jun Takeuchi's twitchy tentacle-fest is less survival horror than survival action, if by survival action, you mean survival awesome, and if you can get over the inherent absurdity, RE5 is about as much fun two people can have with their pants on.

Honorable mentions: Madworld (Wii), Zombie Hooker Nightmare (Online), Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (DS), Guitar Hero: Metallica (PS3, X360, included not for lyrics, but for containing Metallica songs.)

And the Midgard award for best game we were playing instead of meeting our deadlines goes to... Street Fighter IV (PS3, X360)

Street Fighter II established a classic gameplay style in the 90's that still pervades fighting games to this day. A methodical, measured game of matchups, SFII had more in common with a game of chess than the buttonmashers that suffocate most of the genre. After playing second fiddle for years to, well... pretty much everybody, SFIV doesn't bother reinventing the wheel - it's busy refining it.

With that same 'easy to learn, nasty to master' gameplay curve, SFIV is an instant classic, right up there with Soul Caliber, Capcom Vs. SNK 2, and dare we say the original SFII as one of those games you'll be taking to parties for the next eight years.

Honorable Mentions: Empire: Total War (PC), Killzone 2 (PS3), Halo Wars (X360), Chrono Trigger (DS), Dragon Quest V (DS)

Music

Best Release of your finals anxiety: Mastodon - Crack The Skye

Mastodon makes a specific sort of metal - fast enough to get your heart beating, but not so breakneck as to drive you to distraction - Skye is thinking man's metal at its most primal, if that's not too egregious a contradiction. Alternatively epic and brutal, any fan of heavy music can find something to like here.

Honorable mentions: The Chariot - Wars and Rumors of Wars, Wolves in the Throne Room - Black Cascade.

Most pretentious, snobby record that you will probably like anyway: ...And you will know us by the trail of dead - The Century of Self

I just want to get one thing out of the way - I hate AYWKUBTTOD. Hate their stupid name, hate their hipster posturing, hate their 'cooler than you' approach. And, well... I like this record. I like it a lot.

As a sort of flip side to Coldplay's Viva La Vida, Century is an indie record going for a stadium sound. And it works - from start to finish, the record is a blitz of unapologetic bombast, and damn it all, you will love every minute.

Honorable mentions: Cymbals Eat Guitars - Why There Are Mountains, Super Furry Animals - Dark Days, Light Years, Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion

And the Midgard award you should be listening to right now goes to... The Decemberists -The Hazards of Love

On paper, it looks like a recipe for some of the most pretentious hipster drivel of the year: Fresh off your critically acclaimed concept album, you bring in the dude from My Morning Jacket and two girls from bands with "Diamond" in the name to help you sing your operetta about the forest queen, the shape-shifter, and the damsel in distress, which you then orchestrate with the usual rock opera trappings, in addition to smatterings of accordion and banjo.

By all accounts, this should be borderline unlistenable - so the fact that this is one of the most exquisitely crafted compositions you're likely to hear from any indie band this or any year would be a surprise - if we didn't know the Decemberists better by now.

Critics have blasted Hazards for fitting too cohesively as a concept album, saying that the tracks don't stand on their own. These people are stupid, and you should ignore them. "A Bower Scene", "The Rake's Song", and "The Abduction of Margaret" hang with any singles the band's ever produced.

Honorable Mentions: Andrew Bird - Noble Beast, Say Hi - Ooohs and Ahhs, Dan Auerbach - Keep it Hid.

Faith Larraine, Steve Thomas and Alexes Spencer all contributed to this article.

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